My pregnancy losses took a toll on me in a way I hadn’t really grasped until recently. I remember my first loss and how I didn’t know I was even pregnant and when the test was done to show how far along I was and why I had been bleeding so heavily for weeks, I sat in the restroom of the doctor’s office shocked, scared, mad and confused. Pregnant?! Me?! I was only 19, I used protection, but the condom broke, I took the Plan B as instructed but I was already pregnant. Did I kill my baby ? Why wasn’t I more careful? When will the bleeding stop? How do I tell would’ve been father? I’ll just keep it to myself for as long as I can. At the time I only told my Uncle B and the father a week after that appointment. And I cried, and cried and cried, and slept. My uncle was so encouraging, offered to pay my bills until I returned to work, hugged me and told me about his own experience with pregnancy loss. The father was comforting, compassionate and present but to be honest I never thought how it impacted him. I didn’t even understand how it impacted me. As the years went by I experienced more losses, while on birth control and each time I didn’t know I was pregnant except for once. This was Damon’s and I second pregnancy, the first one ended in miscarriage but I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to hurt him or worry him, he had just started working over the road and I knew it would bother him that he couldn’t be here with me, but that was selfish of me and he let me know when we did talk. I thought I had it handled, I thought I was doing what’s best by carrying the burden myself. Our next pregnancy we were aware we were pregnant and were scared and excited at the same time. One morning, right after I started my job at Seton, I woke up with a familiar cramping feeling, I went to the bathroom and there it was, the blood, the clots, and shortly after the tears. I woke him up and told him I had to go to the hospital, we cuddled and then got dressed silently, even the drive to the hospital was silent, I don’t think we knew what to say to each other. Once we got there, the same blood draws, urine test, ultrasound to see what I already knew, the baby wasn’t there, and the sac was beginning to pass. I was 8 weeks pregnant and I felt like a failure, like I failed him and got his hopes up for the family we both yearned for my stupid ass body couldn’t even carry yet another child. What tf is wrong with me?! Why is this happening again and again and again and again ?! I don’t wanna keep hurting him It’s not fair to him that I can’t carry babies and he wants them We had already named all 4 of our children that we planned to have He deserves better and I deserve to be alone and just be a good auntie I went through a lot around that time, and to be honest this is my first time expressing it all through. After our loss I made sure to stay away from every type of birth control, cause it wasn’t helping and causing more harm than I could bare. But years later, after really taking the time and thought to decide okay it’s time, don’t be scared, this guy loves you and wants to create a family with you so now is the time, now I’m 28 and my body is ready, I’m going to try to get pregnant this time, watch when I am ovulating and be prepared taking prenatal vitamins, find a high risk ob/gyn and specialist, we find out we are pregnant!! Finally! But hold on, I maybe miscarrying again, a-fuckin-gain!!! What did I do wrong this time? I ate great, this was planned... what the hell?! The doctor told me my HCG levels weren’t rising at the rate they should’ve been. My mind was blown, I literally was ready to give up on life at this point, if I couldn’t be a mother what the fuck was purpose ? But fate had another plan, I took the prescription medicine, I went to weekly appointments and I rested until my levels began to rise, and God saw fit to birth my angel baby Peyton. She was the answer to my prayers. I tried my best to sustain her life and I’m forever grateful for her existence, for saving me. I just knew I was done because I didn’t wanna test fate and end up disappointed again and have another baby in heaven, but insert my 7 lbs 12 oz born at 2020 Champ! Our Dillon!!! Damon and I third pregnancy was a success, I did have to take medication the first 8 weeks to sustain my pregnancy with him as well but the miracle of life I was granted for a 2nd time 22 months apart! (By the way, 2 is my lucky number) I cherish my children in a way I can’t explain, because there was a time that I was told I could get pregnant but they’d never be born. BUT GOD!
To my mommies: be mindful of your body, when it’s your time it can happen, you may need the assistance of medicine, in-vitro fertilization, a surrogate or adoption (which Damon was fully on board for if we couldn’t have children.) To every baby I have in heaven smiling down on their sister and brother, mommy loves you so much, I carry you with me, I see you in them, and you’ll forever be a part of me.
