Ode to the postpartum body & mind

After year one of Peyton I became vegan, so I dropped the baby weight quickly and I even felt better. I was happy in my own body and loved the compliments I received from everyone about my “SnapBack”
The interesting thing was just a few months after having her I was in therapy trying to figure out why I had thought of people harming her, of the absolute worst things happening to her.

I smothered my baby with love and kisses and thought I could do the best for her. I became irrational in my thoughts and nervous anytime she was out of my eyesight. I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and depression.
I didn’t understand. I didn’t wanna harm my baby, I wanted to protect her from every bad thing... I stayed up nights watching her sleep to make sure she was breathing, trying to keep SIDS away from her. I wanted to cry because I was tired and needed rest but I couldn’t sleep, what if something happened to her while I was sleeping or while I was away.
These thoughts almost crippled me. I didn’t wanna work or be away from her. It wasn’t until I started attending a postpartum group that I started to understand the reasons why my thoughts had been so intense was due to my lack of sleep, lack of nutrients, and my previous diagnoses with depression. I found out that I’m more prone to postpartum depression and anxiety with every pregnancy I have. So I took everything I knew, researched, found a doula group here in Austin, and became vocal about my struggles on social media.
So though my body may have looked well, in shape and snatched... my mind was barely there. And it hit me again, even harder with Dillon. I can recall Damon coming into the bedroom and I was rocking on the floor with Dillon because he wouldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know what to do, he grabbed him from me and told me to rest. After working a 12 hour shift, he came home and made sure I rested while caring for our baby boy.
This type of love and care was a necessity in my healing. He cared enough to coax me back to health, and it took a lot longer and even more group therapy to get better but it happened and I’m here today because of it all.
Mamas and daddies, pay attention to the moods, the thoughts, and actions.It’s okay to not be okay, don’t focus so much on your body that you forget to take care of your mind.

Photographer: CK Marley http://www.ckmarleyphotography.com