defeat

I really understand the phrase, sick and tired of being sick and tired. The gallbladder was one thing, I just knew once it was removed I’d finally have some relief but of course life can never be that simple. Since having the gallbladder removed I’ve had nausea every single day, this morning was the absolute worst. I had just finish getting The Littles dressed and making their breakfast while I held vomit in my mouth so that they wouldn’t see me sick. They’re too little to understand, and I want their mornings to start off well so it can carryover into their day. This is now an every day occurrence, and I’m not pregnant. As a matter of fact, no one can seem to tell me why I’m nauseated other than, it’s something you ate, NEWS FLASH DOC I haven’t eaten a full meal in days! I nibble here and there to keep from passing out but I can’t keep anything down and it’s really, really taking a toll on me.

I try to keep my mental health in tact and tell myself to think positive because your thoughts will manifest your life, I know this, I know to come back down to level 1 and speak nicely to myself when I’m overly frustrated with my gotdamn body for not operating like a normal 32 year old, so I curse myself at times. I cry, I sulk, I think about my granny and how these are the symptoms she felt before finding out it wasn’t just her gallbladder but her body had been ridden with pancreatic cancer. Truth is I’m scared, and I had to share this with Damon.

I hate putting more on him because I need him more than normal but I don’t know how to function. I don’t know when I’m going to throw up, or have diarrhea or get so dizzy from the nausea that I have to pull over if I’m driving or place one of my children down so I don’t drop them. I’ve taken the necessary measures by going to a gastroenterologist and having a colonoscopy and EGD performed but I have to wait 5-10 business days for results so in the mean time I’m just useless, at least that’s how it feels.

Even with this I wanna be encouraging y’all I really do so I leave you with this: I do find a reason to smile every single day, no matter how terrible I feel and I look for the positive so I encourage you to do the same no matter the circumstances. Appreciate your life and where you are .