Dear Fear

Dear Fear,You almost won. I fortune told my whole surgery before I stepped foot inside of the hospital. I told myself there would be a racist staff members who wouldn’t take care of me or see me as less than so they wouldn’t do what was necessary. The day before my surgery I made sure to go get my will notarized, (click the link if you're in need of a will, trust or advance directives: https://ambassadher.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=6fecfe336aea663a9f962d06f&id=5464c0f5b7&e=b80b1fd641 )so that it would be legal in the state of Texas just in case I didn’t make it out alive. This was my mindset: fearful but still trying to be responsible. I know some people may view this as anxiety (which it very well could be) but I viewed as reality. As a black woman, I feel my pain levels and health concerns aren’t taken seriously by the people who could help elevate them. I even stayed a night in the hospital just to be sure that I received some care before I went home and the nursing staff was new and unfortunately not trained well. She had missed medication times, hadn’t came to help me to the restroom, didn’t bring me food until 4 pm and my surgery was over at 9:30 am. If it hadn’t been for my angel on earth niece I wouldn’t have even made it to the restroom multiple times or showered properly. What makes me even more uncomfortable is that I’ve delivered both of my babies at this very hospital and I myself was born here, so I have a special place in my heart for this place but I do wonder if it’s staff or management is bringing it down. Before surgery I had both of my parents were by my side, my bestie sissy came by to love on me and make sure that they surgery staff was up to par. Their love and energy calmed me; I smiled and laughed more than anything with them by my side. And in following the days they all called to make sure I was okay, sissy bought me sunflowers to brighten my space and so many others sent bouquets or cookie deliveries. Being home with my babies was another challenge, I felt “better” but I wasn’t well and I wanted to be well so I could play with them and love on them and just be their mommy but I knew I couldn’t, I couldn’t cuddle on my man and love on him like I wanted because in reality I’m in pain. And I’ve over done it a few times and I know better but things have to be done. My niece has been by our side since the day of the surgery all the until early Sunday morning, she’s gotten the babies dressed and taken them to school while alternating with Damon on pick ups, cooked dinner, and even did a bit of grocery shopping for me. This is the most a person could ever do, really being there and without complaining, with sincerity. I’m not the type of woman who just says please do this for me, it’s a character flaw I’m working on but to have someone just do it for me, means every single thing to me. (My love language is acts of service) I’m healing, not as fast as I’d like, but I’m doing it and I’m listening to my body. So my dear fear, I’m allowing you to melt away slowly but surely and I’m not allowing you to win, not this time. Take your friend anxiety with you too.

E N L A R G E D

Hey y'all hey!!! I wanna apologize for my inconsistency on posting but hopefully this post explains why. I've missed y'all and hope everyone is doing well. LOTS OF INFO AHEAD!Let’s catch up! We’ve moved to a brand spanking new apartment that I truly love. The energy is the new place is magnificent and free. I’m even inspired to decorate my home again. My psychiatrist took me off work to really treat my mental health, I’m learning just how serious having regular therapy appointments effects my mental and emotional health. I hadn’t seen my therapist since February and soooo much went haywire that I couldn’t handle it all. I felt myself going back into the dark space again, faking the smiles, being highly irritable with everyone, I knew something was off... I reached out to my acupuncturist, she stated she could tell my diet was off, I had 3 panic attacks while at work, it became too extreme. I’ve finished intensive outpatient therapy and it’s been life changing. Learning real coping skills, how to be in the present, how to take my health more seriously. At the beginning of IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) my primacy care doctor decided to run more blood work since it had been 6 months from our last checkup and to have a ultrasound of my neck. My psychiatrist had been pushing for anti-depressants and something called Seroquel to help me sleep. I opted for magnesium (which helps immensely) and removing the tv from the bedroom... once my results came back it was revealed that I have hyperthyroidism bought on by Graves’ disease. I had no idea how much had happened to my body after giving birth to Dillon... the ultrasound showed that my thyroid was enlarged and the blood panel... well, it revealed the rest. Even more, the irritably that I have been experiencing, the anxiety... all rooted in my thyroid. This is why I’m an advocate for my own health and not so quick to take medication... my primary doctor explained that the psych medication wouldn’t have helped anything. So, now I’m on a quest for an endocrinologist, eating healthier, and taking the necessary supplements my doctor suggested. I hope my story inspires you all to take care of yourselves and ask for the necessary testing surrounding thyroids which are T3, T4, TSH .

Wednesday

I sincerely have no idea how I function! I got out of class early last night, and this class alone is draining because it’s very difficult to understand the professor and follow along, but we were released early, I drove home, greeted my loved ones, (Peyton gave me the sweetest and biggest hug as she squealed mommy’s home) only to leave again because the babies needed Zyrtec for their allergies and Peyton was still fully awake watching mother goose clubhouse on YouTube so I knew I had to give her some before bed so she wouldn’t be congested. I leave to H-E-B, grab peanut butter, jelly, Zyrtec and aluminum pans, came back and Dillon was now awake. 

YAY!! THE WHOLE GANG’S HERE!!!

I actually was happy he woke up because I hadn’t pumped or hand expresses since 4 pm and it’s now 9:40 pm, plus he’s always so happy to see me. I turn on the stove and began to bake some lemon pepper chicken, Peyton proclaim she’s hungry so I gave her leftover BBQ chicken (we like chicken and fish in our home, plus it’s all Peyton will eat at this point in time) After eating she rubbed her eyes and screamed how her eye hurts, I rinse her eyes out while dad feeds Dillon, Dillon cried when the food runs out so I nurse him, Peyton wants her iPad back but it’s past bedtime so she screams and cries about her chicken eyes. 

I get Dillon wiped down, burped, and moisturized and back in his crib before going back in Peyton’s room to read her 2 bedtime stories. After I kiss her and give her July bear she screams about her eye hurts, I rinse her eyes out, blow them and hold her (cause I’m sure she misses me and just wants attention) Once settled I put her back in bed and go get in the shower, I hear her again from the shower, get out and just let her lie in my bed, she falls fast asleep, no chicken eyes or anything (by the way the irritation is from allergies and rubbing chicken pieces in her eyes).

I turn on the sound machine, turn off the tv that was watching me and I drift off to sleep around 11:00 ish. Dillon wakes up around 2 or 3 or 4, hell idk, he wakes up I nurse him and he goes to sleep and I’m too tired to put him in bed so now they’re both in the bed. The alarm goes off at 6:55 am, I snooze, wake up at 7:06 am and somehow, some way I’m at work in a meeting, functioning without caffeine because my Starbucks app was on the fritz.  

I NEED A GOT DAMN NAP

Becoming a Believer

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be their mother.There was literally a point in time in life that I was under the impression I would never birth children from my womb; a time when I felt like less of a woman because I was told I would never be able to carry children to full term and every pregnancy would result into miscarriages or stillborn.I changed my diet (pescatarian when I got pregnant with Peyton, vegan when I got pregnant with Dillon), got completely off all forms of birth control, stopped allowing what the doctors told me to be the end all be all and now I have the privilege of staring into the eyes of these two miracles.Listen to me y’all, in my mind they were not suppose to be here. They were not suppose to have names or birthdays or a breath in their small bodies BUT a much higher calling said absolutely not, don’t claim that defeat, stay the course, get back in touch with nature, and watch how you will be blessed. I love these children more than I love the air I breathe. #peytonnorarena💛 & #dillonaustin🦁 are the reasons I believe and the reason I’m beyond thankful.