Dear Fear
Dear Fear,You almost won. I fortune told my whole surgery before I stepped foot inside of the hospital. I told myself there would be a racist staff members who wouldn’t take care of me or see me as less than so they wouldn’t do what was necessary. The day before my surgery I made sure to go get my will notarized, (click the link if you're in need of a will, trust or advance directives: https://ambassadher.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=6fecfe336aea663a9f962d06f&id=5464c0f5b7&e=b80b1fd641 )so that it would be legal in the state of Texas just in case I didn’t make it out alive. This was my mindset: fearful but still trying to be responsible. I know some people may view this as anxiety (which it very well could be) but I viewed as reality. As a black woman, I feel my pain levels and health concerns aren’t taken seriously by the people who could help elevate them. I even stayed a night in the hospital just to be sure that I received some care before I went home and the nursing staff was new and unfortunately not trained well. She had missed medication times, hadn’t came to help me to the restroom, didn’t bring me food until 4 pm and my surgery was over at 9:30 am. If it hadn’t been for my angel on earth niece I wouldn’t have even made it to the restroom multiple times or showered properly. What makes me even more uncomfortable is that I’ve delivered both of my babies at this very hospital and I myself was born here, so I have a special place in my heart for this place but I do wonder if it’s staff or management is bringing it down. Before surgery I had both of my parents were by my side, my bestie sissy came by to love on me and make sure that they surgery staff was up to par. Their love and energy calmed me; I smiled and laughed more than anything with them by my side. And in following the days they all called to make sure I was okay, sissy bought me sunflowers to brighten my space and so many others sent bouquets or cookie deliveries. Being home with my babies was another challenge, I felt “better” but I wasn’t well and I wanted to be well so I could play with them and love on them and just be their mommy but I knew I couldn’t, I couldn’t cuddle on my man and love on him like I wanted because in reality I’m in pain. And I’ve over done it a few times and I know better but things have to be done. My niece has been by our side since the day of the surgery all the until early Sunday morning, she’s gotten the babies dressed and taken them to school while alternating with Damon on pick ups, cooked dinner, and even did a bit of grocery shopping for me. This is the most a person could ever do, really being there and without complaining, with sincerity. I’m not the type of woman who just says please do this for me, it’s a character flaw I’m working on but to have someone just do it for me, means every single thing to me. (My love language is acts of service) I’m healing, not as fast as I’d like, but I’m doing it and I’m listening to my body. So my dear fear, I’m allowing you to melt away slowly but surely and I’m not allowing you to win, not this time. Take your friend anxiety with you too.