Grief.

I’m mad, angry and frustrated. Our little person didn’t even get a chance to make it out the womb. On one side of me, I’m kind of grateful because I’m finding out now instead of later but every other part of me is in agony. This is suppose to be a winning season for our family, do we try again? Do we stop all together to avoid another heartache? Can my body bear it ? Mentally I feel better, financially we are well, our relationship is stable, the Littles are more self sufficient but I am turning 35 in a few weeks so I know it can be harder. I feel I need to get away from everything and everyone. I am very grateful for Peyton and Dillon, more than anything in the world, they are my blessings. I get to witness God’s love every day through their existence.

The flutters. The fuckin flutters I can still feel. Knowing you’re dying inside of me. I carried your life and your death in my womb. The feeling is excitement and 48 hours later, disappointment. Im mad at my body, I’m curious about my chromosomes, im so tired of all the blood draws, every single day, a blood draw. My arms are bruised in the one spot that happens to be the best to draw from.

It’s because of you, I decided not to take anymore Tylenol, no more ibuprofen, I’m drinking raspberry red leaf tea daily, I want your life to be the reason I do better for myself and your future siblings.

I imagine you may have been a boy, like Dillon. Peyton made me more ill at the beginning of the pregnancy and with you, not so much. I just wish you were still growing. We had so many plans for you. Peyton’s been asking for a little sister AND you and Dillon would’ve been 4 years apart just like dad and uncle Johnny. You were surrounded by love and I know your loss won’t be in vain. My heart yearns for you my Little Love. Rest well.

“There’s resurrection after adversity.”

  • Gaylon Clark

Happy Black Love 2022

The Littles woke up playful and joyful. Singing, dancing, screeching, and full of energy. When dad has an off day, I try to sleep in as late as possible in the mornings, (8 am is sleeping in for me; they let me make it until 7:40 am today, so gotta count the small victories)

Some days I wonder, what would life be like if they weren’t here? Would I truly sleep in until 11 am, would I even be here, would I be this far along in my education, career or entrepreneurial journey? The short answer is, no. Life before Peyton and Dillon wasn’t focused, wasn’t intentional, wasn’t fulfilling. Life without them was sort of meaningless.

Sure, I’m a great daughter, sister, aunt, friend and etc but as a mother, honey, let me tell you about the fire that’s lit inside of me knowing that I’m responsible for rearing their lives, pouring into them day and night, becoming their inner voice, instilling values, morals, love, trust, interdependence, and the many, many other aspects of life that comes with being a responsible and intentional parent.

I’ve honestly accomplished more of my personal goals in the past 5 years than I had the prior 29 years. Granted, I dealt with my bout of mental health issues, overcoming hardship, grew in self-love and self- respect within those previous years, but in reality I’m living my wildest dreams and I feel I owe it to them. They’re my motivation, my happy, my strength, my reason why I don’t quit (they also are annoying, whiny, emotional, and test my gangsta, especially Dillon, more than any other human on planet earth, but I digress)

Fact of the matter, I was lazy before them, I didn’t really have direction or even felt the necessity to plan anything long term, I was just sort of existing, not truly living. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I felt I was born to be a mother and that was the part of me that was missing.

I’m inspired by them because, they are the absolute best parts of me, while still being their own little human selves. They are the reason I’ve uncovered parts of me that I didn’t know existed until their first breaths. I explore more, I challenge myself to be better so that I can be some sort of positive example, I literally changed my entire diet just to safely carry and birth them both (they’re more important than greasy foods and continuous drunken (but fun) nights).

They’re looking at me and to me while learning every single day of their bright and beautiful lives. They’re perfectly and wonderfully made, they’re the future, incredibly intelligent, and the makings of all possibilities.

This is my thank you to #TheLittles, Peyton Nora Rena and Dillon Austin, thank you for keeping me and saving me from myself. Mommy loves and appreciates you more than you’ll ever know.

Toddlers, natural hair

Stop Mom shaming

I came across a TikTok of a mother getting everything in order for her nighttime postpartum doula. She stated that she gets everything prepared before the doula arrives and retreats to her room from 8 pm - 6 am. She stated how she gets adequate rest and feels incredible. The mom in me smiled proudly because I know how it feels to get a refreshing night of rest, with a newborn, and feeling like I could take on the world. I also remember a conversation I had with my postpartum therapist about the importance of sleep during the postpartum phase. She told me that it was the one catalyst that controlled everything from mental, emotional and visual health.


I read the comments on the post and was kinda blown away with the shaming. Most people don’t understand how this is an actual necessity. It saves mom. Doulas should be built into EVERY insurance plan, including Medicaid. When mom literally explained how she experienced postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety AND postpartum psychosis after her 1st traumatic birth experience, I completed understood her perspective.

I hate how we scrutinize people for choosing themselves first, especially mothers. No one knows what you experienced like another mother so it’s heartbreaking to see other moms tell her she’s missing out on valuable bonding time. STOP IT.

I don’t believe people understand how extremely important it is for the mother to REST! Really rest! Not cat nap. Not sleep when baby sleeps, but truly rest, allowing the body to rest; heal, and reset. It’s not normal to be a human being running on fumes, especially while taking care of another human being.

I 100% had a postpartum doula with Dillon because of what I learned with Peyton AND if we so choose to have another baby, we will have ANOTHER postpartum doula.

I pray I’m around if my children decide to have children, they’ll have a built in postpartum doula. I’ll stay 6-8 weeks at least to be there for them, if they need me, in an effort to bond with my grandchild and continue to nurture my child back to health.

The rate of mothers who commit suicide due to being overwhelmed, dealing with depression and much, much more shouldn’t even be a number, but it is, and I can’t help but believe it’s because we don’t have the adequate support necessary. Your physical, emotional and mental health are always a priority. Suffering through motherhood shouldn’t be glamorized or expected.